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Dom "ingredients"

#1 User is offline   leilou Icon

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Posted 16 January 2004 - 10:08 AM

So we?ve covered what makes a submissive. What about the Dominants? There are as many differences as there are people in the world. And sometimes the selection process is a difficult one, even when talking and getting to know one. Sometimes a sub may be talking to a Dominant when all of the sudden, she finds herself in a midst of a discussion that makes her feel as if she?ll be doing all the dominating.

What are some of the qualities that a Dominant has? What makes a Dom, a ?good? one? And what are the warning signs of a ?not so good? one? For the Dominants, when did You know You were one?
"People say they love truth, but in reality they want to believe that which they love is true."
- Robert J. Ringer.

"We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us"
- Virginia Satir
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#2 User is offline   anita Icon

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Posted 17 January 2004 - 08:50 PM

i'm sure, as you say, there are as many thoughts about "what makes a Dom/me good" as there are people, multiply that by the # of thoughs O/one might have in any given day, and it's mind boggling......but.....if i had to choose what i think is the most "key" characteristic essential to the good Dom/me it's patience.

Patience can help in so many areas of any relationship, whether D/s or not. With patience, the Dom/me will be able to deal with all the newness of the relationship, the possible hesitancy with the sub to expose themself to whatever preceived unknowns await them. Patience may be needed when introducing a new aspect to the relationship, etc. i think it's extremely important when the Dom/me sees or learns that the sub has "had a bad prior experience with trust" It's essential to build trust, both ways, and patience is necessary for that, at times. The excitement on both parts may be so overwhelming at times that patience is very difficult to find, but i think the "good" Dom/me practices control of Their own desires and needs, especially in the beginning of a relationship.

And even when a relationship is years old....the need for patience may be even at it's highest then....the patience to listen, give time, give solice, give love, give laughter when it's most difficult is truly the gift of love.......which goes both ways in my book.....~ss~

i'm still thinking on this, and will return to it again.

Thanks leilou for all your input, insight and thoughtful posts.....~hugs~

anita
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#3 User is offline   cait Icon

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Posted 17 January 2004 - 09:47 PM

I feel the first thing any "good" Dominant needs to know..is himself/herself. The position of Dominant carries a great deal of responsibility.. physical, mental and emotional. If one does not know themselves, how can they be good for someone else?
Another positive in a Dominant...the willingness to continue to learn....learn about this wonderful life we lead, learn from others more experienced..... and yes, learn from subs too! No one knows it all.
The ability to listen...really listen, not just hear. Particularly listen to his/her sub, but to others as well...and to listen without judgement.
A sense of humor! Share a smile or laugh with your sub or others in the lifestyle...it's not supposed to be all serious. When the logistics don't work...laugh about it and go on.
cait (WS_perfectangel)Posted Image

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The worth of a soul, and the change that is wrought
By the touch of Master's hand."? MyraWelch
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#4 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 21 January 2004 - 12:07 AM

I was waiting for SGM to kick in here, but I am going to talk about one of the main things I learned from Him when He gave Me some Mentoring. I hope He does come in to elaborate on this and add some more of His wisdom.

I have learned, that above all things, a Dominant needs to be in control of Him or Herself.

One can not be entrusted with control over others if that control is compromised or tainted. They can not be given the huge responsiblity of caring for a sub and seeing them safely through a scene if they are angry, depressed, distracted, drunk, drugged, or simply more concerned about their Own thrills than the safety of the submissive.

One can not be trusted if Their decision making process is clouded by strong emotions like anger or if They "just get carried away" while enacting some kind of scene. If it is time to stop for the sub's sake (or safety's sake), then the Dom needs to know this and stop. It might mean paying more attention to the submissive's subtle signs than paying attention to Your own pleasure. It might mean responding to a safe call immediately, even though it was only just beginning to get interesting for You. It's all about the sub when in a scene, when they are so dependent on the Dominant's discretion and stability.

Yes, being human, it is hard to have a handle on Yourself. Life happens, relationships happen, and disappointments happen. But being The Dominant, it is Your first responsibility above all others, to find Your center and not bring Your rage or neurotic expectations into the mix. Yes, it's difficult to do. A Dominant simply has to learn how. We teach E/eachother sanity, restraint, and purposeful acts so that what W/we do doesn't cross the line over to abuse. A true submissive is a very precious gift to a Dominant....but they are a person with complicated needs. When a Dominant takes on a submissive, they are taking on more than kinky BDSM play, they are also taking on the care of that submissive's body, heart, and mind. They can not succeed in doing this if they can not first control Themselves.

Learn to control Yourself first.....then attempt to control others.

M Dale
Be careful of what you wish for....Posted Image ....you just might get it.
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#5 User is offline   sirkuya Icon

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Posted 21 January 2004 - 01:45 AM

Master Dale, you have My one hand clapping here You have put things so very well here. It is funny of all the D's I have met over the years that are good Ones share the common qualities you have mention in this post. Dominates are some of the most self disciplined people I have ever run to in all walks of life. The traits are not so far off from those that many pursue the martial arts.

I also have found Dominants to be very adaptive. A good ability not only read a submissive but other D's and also anticipate before hand what results in a given action or situation. I just see few Dominates over react to things they tend to always respond to matters.

Dominates also need to learn to listen and hear what a submissive is saying when it comes to play and living. Often by failing to listen to why say a safe word is used if it is dismissed as I thought you wanted or I wanted. It must be this is what W/we want or wanted. Yes sometimes listening to my submissive reminds me of conversations I had with my children around 8 years old very long and drawn out at times and but listening to feelings expressed is an important job. You should try the mood swings in a submissive in menopause I listen hard but to be honest I fail to understand some of it so I just go to My shop or studio get lost in work after she has vented. Maybe not the best response but it seems to work for U/us at this point in time.
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#6 User is offline   SGM Icon

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Posted 23 January 2004 - 02:45 AM

Well said Dale, thorough knowledge of oneself is crucial in the art of being a Dom/me, developing self control is an absolute necessity.
This doesn't mean that you don't have emotions or feelings, it simply means that you are in control of them and think about the results of what you do before acting. You must have self control before you are capable of controlling another.

When you're talking about a Dominant you really should be looking at leadership qualities, after all a Dom/me is taking the responsibility of being the leader it only makes sense that they should always be improving their leadership abilities.

There are of course other attributes, interests and talents that a good Dominant has which makes them an individual, but if they fail to
set the solid foundation to build on, it's like a cardboard house.

You may be born with the Dominant personality gene, but it is like any other endeavor you persue in life. You must get the tools and
knowledge necessary to succeed, then hone and polish those skills to be the best that you can possibly attain. Then you may be ready to take charge of a submissive and through your leadership skills guide them to be the best submissive that they can be.

SGM
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#7 User is offline   honeypenny Icon

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Posted 23 July 2004 - 10:52 AM

Blows the dust off of this one...hoping to revive it.

Important qualities in a Dom/me?

Knowledge...of One's self

Nurturing...to raise His/Her submissive with a guiding hand

Firm...that when i go off the path, to lead me back

Disciplined...that He/She can be depended upon when i seem incapable of handling even the smallest of things

Proud....that He is Who and what He is, and that i am who and what i am

Humorous....yes!! Humorous....what good is a life if One cannot find humor in it!!

Gentle....for there are those times when it is needed most

Caring...For Himself and those around Him

The list could go on...i'm sure...However, this is just a beginning....O/others?
If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities. ~~~Maya Angelou~~~
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#8 User is offline   ONEEOD Icon

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Posted 13 April 2006 - 05:03 AM

leilou, on Jan 16 2004, 10:08 AM, said:

And what are the warning signs of a ?not so good? one?


I am going to try and breathe some new life into this thread because of a recent Monday night topic and see if perhaps we can use it to remind folks that there ARE some "not so good" dominants (see that diplomacy creeping in?) and some warning signs.

I will throw out a few not so obvious ones and maybe the group can fill in a few more:

1. An accomplished Top that thinks that makes him/her a lifestyle Dominant. It's real hard to base a lifelong relationship on Florentine Flogging.

2. Someone who's mind is so closed they will not rethink a decision even with credible, factual information to prove they are wrong. A good leader will make decisions based on experience and information available at the time and be able to adapt to changes as they occur.

3. Someone who is unable or unwilling to make the hard decisions. "Tough love" isn't always about children, sometimes it's about a relationship.

I hope I got the ball rolling enough for others to leap in anywhere and toss in some red flags of their own.
"Seek and ye shall find"
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#9 User is offline   -cheyenne- Icon

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Posted 13 April 2006 - 10:26 AM

Sometimes you meet a Dominant who you just have no chemisty with but that doesn't mean he is not a "good" Dom. ("Good" being relative because he or she may be what I consider good and not what another submissive might find good).

A big turn off for me is a man who says he is a Dom then does nothing but whine, complain, and feel sorry for himself. We're all human, I'm not saying that just because a man or woman is dominant they never feel doubt or let life get to them but should they whine about it? I have met many dominant men and women with life struggles but they go about working them out in more constructive ways. It is that personality type that I respect and have the confidence to surrender to.

I realize life isn't perfect but I tackle my hardships head on. If I fell down and cried every time something bad happened I would still be down. No matter how bad it gets I want someone who will be looking up with me for a way out rather than down.
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#10 User is offline   Michael's jewel Icon

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Posted 13 April 2006 - 12:42 PM

Hello, everybodies!

Well, this quality is not actually listed yet, probably because almost all of the other qualities hinge on it. And that would be respect, starting with self-respect and flowing out to everyone around them.

i feel that you can "size up" a person greatly when observing how they act and carry themself in even the most seemingly insignificant interactions. One example would be how they are with waitstaff, etc.
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

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#11 User is offline   azzy Icon

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Posted 15 April 2006 - 12:55 AM

You know, Jewels ... before I ever knew anything about BDSM or any "lifestyle" questions somebody once told me ... to know a man's character, watch how he treats his waiter/waitress.

I've found it a pretty good guide!
Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of.
Geri Weitzman
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#12 User is offline   lovely1 Icon

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Posted 15 April 2006 - 01:01 PM

So i?ve been thinking about this thread since it resurfaced a few days ago, and i?m finally (sort of) ready to answer. Get comfy?i have a feeling this will take some time.

As i was reading over some of the listed qualities, i got to thinking: they all apply to submissives as well. For example, one of the main qualities seems to be that the Dominant be in control of themselves. And i agree, that?s absolutely essential. But i think it?s essential for a submissive too, because if you aren?t in control of yourself, how could you relinquish that control to someone else? And the same goes with patience, willingness to learn, self-respect, self-knowledge...all 'indgredients' for a submissive as well.

Then i remembered MasterDale telling me months ago that dominance and submission are two sides of the same coin, and it sort of clicked: it is the same coin. (What can i say? i?m slow.) And what we?ve been describing (both here and in that thread about submissives from awhile back) isn?t really a good Dominant or a good submissive. Rather, we?re describing good people. i think many of the aspects we?ve highlighted have to do with inner strength (i know, that sounds cheesey, but self-control, self-respect, trustworthiness, all that, it?s inner strength, don?t you think?) because this lifestyle certainly does challenge our notions of self. And also, once you step outside of the social norm and drop the niceties, your true colors shine through all the brighter. (i don?t mean to imply that Lifestylers are superior to others, because, like in every group, there are both good and bad. i just mean that certain strengths and weaknesses are more easily brought to light in our lifestyle.)

But if the positive aspects we?ve listed as ingredients for good Dominants are the same ingredients for good submissives, and for good people, then what is it? Why are some people good Dominants and others aren?t? Is there some sort of ?it? factor? Possibly, or maybe even probably. But i was trying to think about why i submit and why i don?t dominate (and maybe someone who switches would like to jump in here? because i?d sure be interested in hearing). The answer i kept coming back to is: because i don?t want to. And i think that?s it (or at least an awful lot of it): A good Dominant truly wants to dominate. Not just wants someone to serve them, not just wants to wow others (their bottoms, subs, or just people watching or whoever) with their skills with toys or words or other displays of power, not just wants to brag to their buddies about the limits they?ve pushed through, not just wants to inflict pain (although ONE, i must say, Florentining is quite lovely and perhaps worthy of being the basis of a relationship ;)), not even just wants to have power; they actually truly desperately want to Dominate (capital ?D? intended there). They want the benefits and the responsibility, they want?well, essentially i guess i mean they want not just to have what Dominants have, but to be what Dominants are.

i?m afraid i might be simplifying, or getting all ?if you build it, they will come (cum?)??but really, i think it makes sense. i?m not saying that you can just hop out of bed one morning and go ?i want to Dominate? (or submit, for that matter) and have it be so just like that. But (and here i?m wading into unfamiliar waters, so feel free to correct me if i?m wrong as i?m projecting from my own sub path) i think the journey is essentially a voyage of self-discovery. And that is a long (probably never-ending, so luckily we don?t have to walk the whole thing before getting the ?prize? but if you do become lackadaisical and sit down and munch on your carrot then it?s gonna disappear, but as i was saying, it?s a long) and difficult path to tread. But if you want it bad enough, if you?re willing to put in what it takes, if you?re committed to being a Dominant, then i think you will be a good Dominant.

So i guess that?s my recipe: Take a good person and add a strong desire to Dominate (and for me, hopefully a dash or two of devious mind and a sprinkling of toybag, because i like the spices) and there you have it: a good, yummy Dominant. Oh, and they probably improve with age (or experience), which is always an added bonus.
"They all crossed into forbidden territory. They all tampered with the laws that lay down who should be loved, and how. And how much." --Arundhati Roy
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#13 User is offline   tiamet Icon

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Posted 24 April 2006 - 03:49 PM

well lovely....that answer was perfect.
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#14 User is offline   fire Icon

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Posted 24 April 2006 - 10:59 PM

I have several things rolling around in my brain here, and I'm going to throw one of them out here... It's not exactly a trait of a good Dom, but it has to do with that two-sided coin. I can't help dwelling on the duality that lovely mentioned. There have been times in my life when it was such a turn on to turn a guy on and watch his penis err come to life so to speak. Part of me is thinking that was "serving" him, and part of me is thinking about the control I exerted over him by making him "rise" to the occasion.

Hmmm, just a thought that has not fully formed, but that I needed to say. :very_confused:
~~~Fire
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#15 User is offline   moonvirgo Icon

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Posted 05 August 2006 - 12:23 PM

I really enjoyed reading this topic and when i read lovely's response, it was exactly what I was thinking. Dale mentioned that he felt that a Dom needed a good sense of self and I agree but also add, like lovely, that the best submissives have avery good sense of self as well. I have only come to understand this the longer I have explored this type of lifestyle, so in a way I suppose it has gotten better with age, but I don't think that everyone's path requires age to reach that point. But having a good sense of self really allows one to know to whom one can submit, and to whom one can be a dominant, and allows us to ignore each of our selfish desires and to really give what we have to give, freely and without guilt or compromises.

Also, lovely asked a great question about what really makes a good dominant, and answered it as a good person. I would add one other thing, and I am kind of surprised I am going to say this, but the more I think in it, the better an answer it seems in my experience. To me, good dominants and good submissives are those who have actually tried to forge those kinds of relationships with others. I do not mean to say that in order to be a good dom or sub you have to be with someone else, but I do think it is in the exchange, the inter-relating, that these qualities are really revealed.

Someone once said to me of religion that the reason believers need a church is that while one can have a personal relationship with their higher being, it is in practicising it with others that it becomes something truly beyond oneself, truly larger, and that both peices, the personal relationship with the higher being as well as the communion of that relationship with others that makes it complete. I personally do not believe in a god, but I do believe that when I have a good relationship with myself and then join that with others, that "it" life whatever is elevated beyond where I myself could take it alone. -- 88
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