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Possibility of a "Group Thing" going there with out screwing a "good thing" ?

#1 User is offline   leora Icon

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 10:37 AM

Hi there,

Some of you might remember me....or my situation.....i know it's been a while since i've been around. But, i feel as though, even years later, maybe this group of wonderfully open minded people might be the appropriate avenue to discuss this.

i'm currently married. We've been together since we were both 16, have a five year old, and just celebrated our second wedding anniversary. A few years ago, before we married, things were not good between us. Part of these "things" was the fact that i made him understood how i need a...D/s / kink....whatever you want to call it ...dynamic, in the bedroom at the very least. It was, in a sense, part of the reason why my libido and sexual appetite was not as voracious as he would have liked.

So...what can i say? Things are better now. We are exploring together....he's getting what he wants by providing what i need to give him what he wants. And we've become very open and accepting to each others inclinations...basically, we've learned to nurture each others inner pervert. LOL

This brings me to my current dilemma. We are very, very close with another couple about our age. i have been best friends with her since high school and my husband and hers bonded instantly over a love of bass fishing and AC/DC years ago. Both our husbands know that she and i are bi sexual....even if we are currently non practicing. Both guys also know that she and i never had a romantic or sexual relationship, per say...even though we've always been super close and have flirted with the idea.

This couple currently live out of state and we get to see each other about once every two or three years. The last time they were here, the idea of some kind of "swap" situation or girl on girl scenario (with the guys as audience) was discussed, jokingly and didn't happen. Over the last almost three years now, she and i have had many, many discussions about this over the phone, with both of us discussing it later with our guys. We've become very attracted to each other...to the idea of after a decade finally "going there." The guys are all for it and have expressed a mild desire to swap as well.

i -really- want this. i don't know how else to put it. She and i have talked at length about our mutual kink and where we fit in that sort of dynamic....she is a Top and i, a bottom. Both of our husbands are into to it as far as humoring us. Basically, ok...to get a piece...hubby spanks me and she gets to spank her's. It all seems to fit, you know?

At the same time, i am so scared of messing up two very good things in my life: my marriage and our friendship. They are tentatively planning a trip here to see her family in the next few months. i feel as though i need to really organize my thoughts and feelings about this before then. It might not even happen....but....if it comes up....i want to be prepared.

She and i love each other....that won't change if i decide not to do this, or vice versa, if she decides not to. But this feels so right....i've been fooled before by my heart (and other parts of my anatomy). It seems like an ideal situation. We're both married and want to stay that way. They live out of state. Not a situation of anything permanent or long term coming out of this.

i would really love some feedback or advice....even if it is to point me to some reading material. Thank you in advance for any help!

And, M. Dale, i apologize if i've put this post in the wrong place or if this is not appropriate for the forum.

-leora
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#2 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 12:06 PM

It's fine right here leora. It's not too long. You needed to express something. You did it well and with the words you felt were important. No appology needed.

The quick response to your situation is once you open Pandora's Box (no pun intended) you can't ever go back to the way it was. From here, how can I know if there is a risk of losing things in your relationships or if doing this will enrich them in ways you had only dreamed of? I cant know. And if I knew all of you intimately, the best I could do is give an opinion....a guess.

You probably know the risks. Jealousy, mistrust, overwhelming desires to do more and more bi, and simply upsetting the apple cart at home can all add up to problems. Big ones. Some men are really ok with this though. If you do this with your friend on the rare visits, it may not be a big deal. But if it opens a flood gate of desire and your husband feels you are out cruising for girlfriends and spending your days munching the carpet, he might start to be resentful. And your gf.....is there a gap between what she says and what she will really feel when push comes to shove? Is she experienced in bi? Or is it just an attractive fantasy?

I do know a number of couples that are really easy about sexuality. The love eachother to bits, but dont see sex as love. They see sex as sex and find no problem with their partner fucking and sucking someone else. They have very solid, open relationships and know that the love is there, regardless of who their partner is fucking. Nice way to be if it works for everyone.

You are going to have to talk this through with an open mind....to everyone who is going to be affected by this. All 4 of you have to be in agreement, because if only one of you dissents, the results in the end will be ugly. You have to know that what you gain for the pleasure isn't going to cost you the love of your life and one of your best friends. That's a heavy price to pay for a little pleasure.

That is one reason why most couples who experiment in that direction do it with someone insignificant in their lives. That way, there are less people to be worried about if things go wrong. You are not going to be so upset about having bad feelings with a woman you know casually who you have a little fling with....certainly not the way you would if there were bad feelings with your very dear friend.

It's a tough decision. I cant tell you which way to go. Sometimes, some things are better off left in fantasy. On the other hand, you rarely make big gains without taking some risks. Whichever way you choose to go, I wish you a lot of luck. I hope that either way, it produces happiness and better relationships with all of those people you hold dear.

M. Dale
Be careful of what you wish for....Posted Image ....you just might get it.
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#3 User is offline   leora Icon

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Posted 08 May 2009 - 09:40 AM

Thank You for replying, M. Dale. As always, Your insight is spot on. Sometimes, it can be so helpful to just have some one say what you've already been thinking.

Honestly, my biggest fear is not so much affecting my marriage. i believe he and i are strong enough to survive even in the wost case scenario. We discussed, at length, how erotic ...so taboo and decadent....we both think it would be to see each other with another person. Specifically, this couple. And of course....in the same room....at the same time. Basically, a controlled situation. Not like we want to start going out on separate dates or anything *G*

We discussed the rules for this....to a great length. It would only be for this time. The other would always be present. Safe sex with condoms and such is a must....cuz..umh...yes...an unwanted pregnancy in this situation would just muck things up bad. Also, we have established safe words, to some degree. If at any time...any of the four of us want to stop...if it's too much with jealousy or whatever....then it's "Time out!" and everyone stops, get's dressed and we talk it through.

However, i am not foolish enough to think there is no possibility of something going wrong. my concern leans more to my gf (as you put it). If she and i slept together, would it then be...awkward afterwards? If her husband and i slept together....would there be jealousy on her part if...say...i dunno..he acted overly "enthusiastic"? Is their relationship solid enough for this? i've asked her all of this...and despite her reassurances, i still worry.

You've asked whether she is experienced in bi....and, well...from what i gather, she's had flings that were purely physical. However, we've both been married for a while. The last time she was with another woman, it was a threesome situation with her husband. According to her, it was a great experience and they all remained friends for a long time. The friendship ended, however, when the woman stole from them. Apparently, she had developed a bad drug habit and they cut ties with her because of this.

As to the whole idea of experimenting with a stranger versus a good friend....well, i do see the merit in that and how it would appeal to some. But, not to me. i can not separate sex and love. (LOVE....not commitment). i also can not separate love and trust. i love her...well, both of them, really....i trust them. therefore, i can see myself fucking them and enjoying each second of it. i love and trust my husband....if he wants to screw my gf.....i want to be there...i want to watch him enjoy himself. If he really wants to see me with another woman, not only do i want to do it....i want multiple orgasms to rip screams from my throat so that he can really enjoy it.

And finally, when it's all said and done.....when we all return to our homes and lives....when it is just him and i in bed....i want this experience to give us more intimacy as couple. i want this to be a shared dirty lil secret we whisper about sometimes and giggle like teenagers. i want to look back at it like we would other adventures we've gone on together.

i wonder if any of this makes sense *L*

Anyways, thanks again for the comments M. Dale, and for letting me ramble. :-)
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#4 User is offline   Michael's jewel Icon

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Posted 10 May 2009 - 09:48 AM

Hi leora,

I can't share any personal experience here, Michael and I are monogamous and have been so, mostly, for decades.

I think that the key here is to do just what you are doing...talking, imagining and talking some more. Setting the ground rules and then being prepared to deal with anything that comes up that you did not think about is key. I am looking forward to hearing how it goes, if it goes.

Have you spoken to either your friends about this possiblity yet? I mean, seriously spoken with them.

Just think about a romantic get away. Oh the possibilities. :-)
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

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#5 User is offline   ONEEOD Icon

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Posted 10 May 2009 - 12:25 PM

leora,

Not only was Mazie a swinger when I met her, we have hosted quite a few swinger meet and greet socials and play parties for newbies. You've already covered the "what ifs" so I will just add a few of the problems and concerns folks have had so you can avoid them if possible.

1. Have a non-verbal means of letting each other know you are no longer confortable and want whatever you are doing to stop. You'd be surprised how many people let something extremely uncomfortable continue because they don't want to lose face or appear to be a party pooper.

2. Don't get so caught up in the moment that you lose contact with your partner. Look for them often and don't forget to look for the sign.

3. Plan to spend quality time with your partner as soon as possible after the meet. If there are subconscious feelings they will come out then so best to deal with them and not let them fester.

4. If your partner is not where you can see them don't let time get away from you. If they are having a problem it will only get worse the longer you take.

The best words I can give anyone doing this for the first time are that people are strange, reality is not anything like the fantasy and the shy, quiet ones are the folks that usually end up wearing out every man in sight.

Have a great time,
Bob
"Seek and ye shall find"
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