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Fluid Orientation

#1 User is offline   lil.red.ridinghood Icon

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Posted 13 February 2009 - 01:39 AM

I was recently quoted in this Stranger Article by Mistress Matisse

Any one feel like pontificating on sexual orientation?

Here's the full text of what I sent to her when she asked her friends for some input on whether female sexuality really is fluid:

Quote

First off, I identify as kinky first and hetero-flexible second. Among my three key relationships, I happen to have a girlfriend who is very clearly bisexual. I am not.


Do you think *your* sexuality is fixed and it's not going to change? Or could yours be fluid, but it just isn't *right now*? Do you ever get even a little attracted to women, or it is like "yeah, she's pretty, but nope, she does nothing for me."

I think my sexuality is fixed. That said, it's fixed on the need for power exchange, not plumbing. My gender preference has already proven pretty fluid. It's vanilla lesbian sex that doesn't do anything for me.


Do you think you could ever fall in love/lust/whatever with one *particular* woman? So you might not be a true-blue lesbian, but seriously hot for *just her*?

Yes. My relationship with Kaylee is exactly that kind of situation. I show up to women's parties like Bang for the Buck and enjoy the eye candy, but the only woman I really want to be with for more than a friendly scene is Kaylee.


What is your opinion about people whose sexuality changes? For example, would you date a man who used to indentify as gay if he said he had changed?

My general opinion is more power to them. Maybe it's changing as a result of life experiences, maybe as a result of liberation from old paradigms. What ever the reason, I'm not standing in the way of anyone's self-exploration.

As to dating a formerly gay man, I'd probably date him. But I wouldn't build a deep relationship with him unless it was in a well negotiated poly framework. Change happens, and keeps happening. I would want to be sure we left space in the relationship for that.


Anything else you think about the general idea of women's sexual orientation being fluid? Is that a cool idea or an annoying one?

I think sexual orientation has more facets than simple gender preference. Levels of intimacy, power dynamics, fetishes, sensations, intensity; all of these things contribute to people's sexual orientations. If sex was really only a matter of Tab-A/Slot-B, it would be a hell of a lot easier to find compatible partners.

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#2 User is offline   myraandken Icon

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Posted 20 February 2009 - 07:19 PM

[quote name='lil.red.ridinghood' date='Feb 13 2009, 01:39 AM' post='20397']
I was recently quoted in this Stranger Article by Mistress Matisse

Any one feel like pontificating on sexual orientation?


----

I don't know if it is sexual orientation changing or just being unsure what your sexual orientation actually is. I first considered myself straight. But lately started to question that a little. I am pretty sure I am at least hetero flexible, kinda bi curious and maybe even someone who is bi but never been with another woman yet. I definitely love guys, but I do find women attractive. Maybe some day I'll get up the courage to test how far my interest goes...
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#3 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 20 February 2009 - 09:41 PM

I cant speak for all people (though it sure seems that I try to do that a lot *chuckles*) and I especially can't speak for females. I think, but I am not sure...that this fluidity comes easier to females....at least in the culture and time I grew up in, anyway.

I am the last of the baby boomers....a generation in which male homosexuality was not acceptable. So from a purely sociological standpoint, being male and gay was just as bad as being a communist. And we were all taught that communists were the epitomy of evil, out to destroy American society and burn us to a crisp in nuclear hell fire. I am not exaggerating. Phrases like "commie pinko fag" were used as the ultimate insult, and if the label stuck to you, you were in for a rough time.

So, for me growing up and forming my life's patterns, this kind of fluidity was far too dangerous to embrace. There was safety in a neat, socially acceptable label like "hetero male". You knew where you stood. And equally important for those times...so did everyone else.

I would say that I am solidly locked in my hetero identification. I dont feel a need to step out and experiment, though I admit if I was born later, in a more liberal time and place, I might have been tempted to try different things and take a closer look at fluidity in orientation.

M. Dale
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#4 User is offline   Gideons_willow Icon

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Posted 25 February 2009 - 11:56 AM

I've been away awhile but I'm attempting to be more active so I thought I'd drop my two cents off here.

Do you think *your* sexuality is fixed and it's not going to change? Or could yours be fluid, but it just isn't *right now*? Do you ever get even a little attracted to women, or it is like "yeah, she's pretty, but nope, she does nothing for me."

I'm pretty much fixed. I think the female body is a beautiful thing, all those nice curves and valleys and whatnot but it does nothing for me sexually. I'd wander over to that side of the street for temporary visits if Gid asked me too, but it would be more about pleasing him than me enjoying it sexually.


Do you think you could ever fall in love/lust/whatever with one *particular* woman? So you might not be a true-blue lesbian, but seriously hot for *just her*?

I suppose that's possible. Love has no eyes so I guess I could conceivably fall for anyone of any sex, although i don't see it happening, you never know what the future brings.

What is your opinion about people whose sexuality changes? For example, would you date a man who used to identify as gay if he said he had changed?

Absolutely. I suppose it helps that I'm open to poly and I know that if he had homosexual feelings he could have a partner to meet those need without having to dump me to fulfill his other needs. If I were not in a poly friendly relationship then I think I might worry a bit that he still had those desires to be with a man and that I may be dumped somewhere along the way if he decided to go back.


Anything else you think about the general idea of women's sexual orientation being fluid? Is that a cool idea or an annoying one?

I agree with Master Dale in his opinion that women have an easier time socially switching orientations. There's the whole cliche of the man's ultimate fantasy being seeing women together and as long as that's out there it as if society gives women permisson to switch. At least, around this part of the world it's still considered somewhat taboo for two men to be so inclined. I don't think that's fair at all.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. ~~Dave Barry
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#5 User is offline   goodgirl Icon

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 09:15 PM

just a quick comment....i hetro not bi - and here's the BUT.... recently was at a private club with a dom and for first time in my life got this huge major rush watching a woman. every nerve in my body was jumping and heart beating fast.... caught me totally by surprise. i wanted to be with her so badly - but not sexually so much as submissively - it was the domme thing that grabbed me like that dont know if that makes sense to anyone else.
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#6 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 04 March 2009 - 10:49 PM

Makes sense to me...but maybe you want to hear from one of the women when they swing in here. You shouldn't worry about it. Sometimes, the sexual energy in a club setting can be contagious and have you more receptive to things than you might be at other times.

M. Dale
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#7 User is offline   lil.red.ridinghood Icon

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Posted 07 March 2009 - 12:49 PM

Hi goodgirl,
That makes perfect sense to me. It's pretty much the same way I started considering myself heteroflexible.

;) look out next thing you know you'll have yourself a submissive girlfriend...
Ok, in all honesty, there aren't that many Kaylee's in the world, but you may still be surprised by what kind of connections you can open up to once the door is cracked.

Enjoy!!
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#8 User is offline   MistressLydia Icon

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Posted 27 March 2009 - 12:08 PM

Dear Red,

Great responses. You're level of articulation and clear communication is always such a pleasure to read.

Hmmm, never thought about power exchange being the main attraction in a connection. Although, it does make sense in my life, as well. The women I've been with have all been submissive except one. It was an experience up in NY and...I found myself extremely uncomfortable during and after being intimate with her. I was enjoying the moment until she tried to take control. Although, with a man I enjoy the back and forth of power...Even the challenge of not letting the man take the power when he tries. But with a woman I think I'm only attracted to submissives.

Even in entertaining the idea of a polyamourous relationship I know that I would only feel comfortable as the Alpha female with a submissive woman and a submissive or switch man.

Great entry Red!!

Lots O Love,
Me
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#9 User is offline   lovely1 Icon

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Posted 08 April 2009 - 06:16 PM

I'm a pretty firm believer in the continuim (sp?) theory of sexual orientation. Basically, imagine a line with 100% straight on one end and 100% gay on the other end. And with most people falling somewhere in between, in various places.

I think culture can have a lot to do with it too--I know when I was in college, a lot of women were experimenting with other women (at least once). If we were in a place where that wasn't socially acceptable, maybe they wouldn't have made that leap and had those experiences.

I also think emotions and sexuality can sometimes be confusing. It's sometimes hard to tell if you're enamoured of Person X and want to sleep with them or just totally love everything about them but don't want to do them. (Or it is for me, anyway.) So, for example, a highschool girl may just actually think (no true 'denial', it just never occured to her) that she loves her best friend in the way everyone else loves their best friend, especially since she's having enjoyable sex with her boyfriend.

I also think being in a relationship is different that sexual orientation per se. I've had flings (and been play partners) with people I'd never actually settle down with, for various reasons. Doesn't mean I wasn't attracted to them, just that while the sex/play would work, I knew the rest of it wouldn't. I mean, I really don't *care* whether this fabulous (in all senses of the word :P) man who frequently whips me wants children. It matters *greatly* to me whether the Love of My Life does (he does :)), and I really don't think I could committ to a relationship knowing I'd have to sacrifice that dream. I don't care how those children come about (penis into vagina, turkey baster into vagina, adoption), but I want them. That matters *way* more to me than gender. For other people, there are other issues, and gender might be a valid one for them. *shrugs*
"They all crossed into forbidden territory. They all tampered with the laws that lay down who should be loved, and how. And how much." --Arundhati Roy
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#10 User is offline   Greymantle Icon

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 01:03 PM

Continuum, I think lol
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