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Male sub needing advice

#1 User is offline   Wraith Icon

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Posted 14 October 2008 - 05:27 PM

I'm really new to this lifestyle, so far I am really enjoying it. My Mistress is great, but has more experience then I have, of course, I'm trying to learn what, when, and how to do things, and how to build up. Any advice would be great.
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#2 User is offline   shadowwolf Icon

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Posted 14 October 2008 - 05:48 PM

Allow yourself time....
many times the newcomer is anxious to please and in doing so misses something. whether it is proper breathing or just plain anxiety . Your mistress will guide you through the journey But it is up to you to trust in the direction . Communication is also key , so talk to your mistress if you are having trouble and be honest about what you are feeling and any difficulty you may be having .
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#3 User is offline   Wraith Icon

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Posted 14 October 2008 - 06:03 PM

View Postshadowwolf, on Oct 14 2008, 06:48 PM, said:

Allow yourself time....
many times the newcomer is anxious to please and in doing so misses something. whether it is proper breathing or just plain anxiety . Your mistress will guide you through the journey But it is up to you to trust in the direction . Communication is also key , so talk to your mistress if you are having trouble and be honest about what you are feeling and any difficulty you may be having .


Ty for the good advice I will speak with her with my trouble.
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#4 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 14 October 2008 - 06:48 PM

Shadowwolf's advice was great. I dont have much more to add to it.

You have to remember that for all of us....from newbies to the most experienced among us....it is a learning experience. We always have to increase our knowledge, our experience, and our understanding of each other. The biggest challenge to us all, and probably the biggest hole we fall into, is not working hard enough at the learning process. We have to be open to it....not only to our own learning, but also to help others around us as they figure things out, too. As a newbie, it is particularly important for you to develop your own network so you can share new things, get advice so you might make better choices, and do a little reality testing so you can better understand the things you are learning. Your Mistress needs to be a part of that process. I hope we....at this Board....can continue to be a part of that process, too. And hopefully you will meet other subs, both male and female, to help give you perspective on things.

The best of luck to you. Please keep us posted on what is going on and let us help with any questions that come up for you.

M. Dale
Be careful of what you wish for....Posted Image ....you just might get it.
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#5 User is offline   MistressLydia Icon

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Post icon  Posted 14 October 2008 - 06:50 PM

Wraith,

Shadowwolf is right. Communication is so important. Some D/s partners like to establish time to discuss their likes and dislikes with a scene, or concerns, over lunch...a nice relax time with no pressure and open communication.

Also, how new are you? Do you have an idea what your soft and hard limits are? What you need from the connection?

Enjoy the process, and don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you need.
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#6 User is offline   Wraith Icon

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Posted 14 October 2008 - 07:20 PM

View PostMistressLydia, on Oct 14 2008, 07:50 PM, said:

Wraith,

Shadowwolf is right. Communication is so important. Some D/s partners like to establish time to discuss their likes and dislikes with a scene, or concerns, over lunch...a nice relax time with no pressure and open communication.

Also, how new are you? Do you have an idea what your soft and hard limits are? What you need from the connection?

Enjoy the process, and don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you need.


I myself have only been in this for 2 months now. Mistress is sub turned Domme. She is adapting well into it. She has a few years experience. I have no idea what my limits are honestly. We have already set our basic rules, ie. Both our work lives will not be affected, if at anytime we start to lose our passion for each other we stop, etc. I have a fear of letting her down or disappointing her, I know she would never feel that way, but non the less it is there. I want to raise my threshold more, just havent learned how. I served 8 years in the USMC, I learned to deal with pain, but not to the point of actually enjoying it. Mistress and I have know each other for 18 yrs, highschool crushes, recently just became involved with each other 5 months ago, relationship wise everything is perfect, even the vanilla life was great, but this is what we both want and for the first time I am afraid to fail.
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#7 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 14 October 2008 - 08:44 PM

It will be extremely helpful, and a very positive thing in your relationship if you change your definition of failure. Willingness to TRY is a success. Similarly, finding that you can not take something that she wants to dole out is not a failure. Just like going to a restaurant with some foreign food you never had before......if you try new dishes, you have done well. You may not like them or want them again, but you allowed the experience, in all it's richness, to happen. It is just like that in BDSM play. You may not like everything that is served up and that is normal. It is about exploring, growing, and learning new things.

Very few people link strong pain with pleasure right from the beginning. It is an acquired taste that builds up over time with positive reinforcement. It is often fueled by that desire to succeed with your Master or Mistress. A good Master or Mistress knows that they must figure out where you fit into this game, and then only dole out the measure appropriate to your experience and known limits. They know that the proper combination of pain and pleasure for you is going to be an individual thing, and a fluid thing that will change over time. Everone has different levels of tolerance and pleasure from sensual pain. That is normal and expected.

I strongly suggest that you and your Mistress develop good solid communication before you play, to set the limits and parameters you BOTH think will work out ok. Then go and enjoy yourselves. After a good night's sleep and some time to digest your experience, you should then talk to her again and review everything about your play with her.....from what you liked to what you disliked, how you felt about it then and now, and where you might have liked more or would have preferred less. Based on your discussions and feedback, you will build upon your successes and sew the seeds for growth and joy in your relationship.

I wish you the very best of luck here. Please allow us to help in any way we can.

M. Dale
Be careful of what you wish for....Posted Image ....you just might get it.
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#8 User is offline   MistressLydia Icon

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Posted 15 October 2008 - 12:26 PM

Extremely well put, M. Dale!

Wraith, I'm pretty new, as well. So, you asking questions helps me out as much as it does you. Thanks!
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#9 User is offline   SMF Icon

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Posted 15 October 2008 - 01:49 PM

I want to further repeat that this is a learning experience and it will always be a learning experience. That you attempt something is the success; not the outcome of that attempt. As your experience increases your self-knowledge of what works for you will increase and eventually you'll know what works what doesn't work and what you want more of. Good communication is key to making all of this work - no question about that. I really can't over-emphasize it. Especially talk about what doesn't work and what does work well.

The collection of things that work for you will be unique to you and not quite like anyone else's collection. More that this, as Dale states, its not going to stay the same. Very few people, again as Dale remarks, like high intensity pain from the start. While I'm not sure its an acquired taste as such, I do believe, and have seen many people build from low intensity to extremely high intensity over time. If thats the way you want to go, then you'll be able to progress there. You might not want to after you've gotten more experience; or it might become the central part of your preferred experience.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

SMF
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#10 User is offline   Wraith Icon

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Posted 16 October 2008 - 08:54 PM

Thank you all for your kind help. Today My Mistress and I spent the major part of the day talking, even though it was via phone since I am gone for weeks on end, we talked about my concerns, how I feel how she feels, where the next steps go, what I want what she wants what WE want. Since we both have children how we are going to explain any questions to them that they may have. I feel much better now. I do appreciate everything you all have done to help me overcome my fear of failure, I understand that if I try it is not failure, which being a former Marine failure was not an option. I love My Mistress with all I have, and when she re-planted her statement of "If this lifestyle stops today Pet, I will still love you with all my heart". I realized I should have no fear of disappointment. Thanks again. Wraith
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#11 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 16 October 2008 - 09:35 PM

Hi Wraith. It sounds like you have a lot to feel good about today. We harp on how important it is to have meaningful communication with your significant other. Your post proves that. And if anything defines a successful outcome, your post just did. That is what I meant by success being measured in the things you try and are open to....not whether you, as a newbie, can do them well from the beginning.

As I said before, please allow us to be a part of your Lifestyle resource base. There are a lot of good people here. Those who have posted in this thread are just the tip of the iceberg. There is a ton of experience and wisdom to be found in our Members. As you move ahead, there are going to be times when you will want to bounce things off of others and do a little reality testing to make sure you are on the right track. That's what we do best.

Good luck with everything!

M. Dale
Be careful of what you wish for....Posted Image ....you just might get it.
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#12 User is offline   Wraith Icon

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Posted 10 November 2008 - 01:25 AM

Ok everyone, I am finally home after several months, this up comming weekend is our weekend. I think Im gonna need some extra time off. Im rather nervous, but at the same time so very excited. Thanks again for all you help, I will let everyone know how things went.
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#13 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 10 November 2008 - 07:37 AM

I am a little jealous. It sounds wonderful, scary, and exciting all at the same time. It should be awesome. Enjoy yourself, Wraith. Lots of luck!

M. Dale
Be careful of what you wish for....Posted Image ....you just might get it.
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#14 User is offline   Wraith Icon

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Posted 16 November 2008 - 08:25 PM

NOTE TO SELF: Do not laugh at your Mistress and ask "is that the best you got". But on a lighter note, we had a great time. I spent some time making up some whips and floggers while i was gone away from home, really enjoyed the chain and leather flogger nice deep inpact, I still feel it today. :) The flogger I made out of windshield washer tubing left nice think wide welts but seemed a little to intense to me, but not giving up on it. Had a great talk about the session this morning, I told her what I liked and did not like, as she did as well, I think we are on the same page now. I would like to thank everyone for the wonderful advice that was handed down to me from you all. I need to work on my breathing alot more, but I know it will come with time. I became real tense toward the end need to figure out a way to become more relaxed. I really enjoyed the feeling I felt this morning when I awoke and went to move and realized how much I actually strained myself while in restraints and the way I was sore deep inside. I cant wait until our next session. We had a discussion about penis plugs, we both like the idea, but dont know exactly where to start. Any advice would be helpful. Thankyou for all your help and advice......Wraith.
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#15 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 17 November 2008 - 12:13 AM

Hey, congratulations, Wraith. It sounds like it was a great experience. And really sounds like you got a great education, too. The only way to find out what works for you in reality is to put it the test with someone you trust. And it definitely sounds like you have.

The little bit I have to offer up in the way of penis plugs comes down to cleanliness and lubrication. The right lube is so important so as not to tear delicate tissues. And of course, your insertables should be as sterile as you can make them before sticking them in.

I cant speak from a personal experience perspective on this...but I know there are a lot of different sized things you can purchase...from pretty small to pretty scary. You can always start small and keep the whole experience on the pleasurable side at first....going larger and longer with the devices as your tolerance and tastes are tested. You may find that eventually giant, thick, long plugs or urethral sounds are exactly what you love. But I would never start big to please someone else. And I would be very concerned about going large if it is all new to you.

Easy and cheap.....I have had this done to me as part of standard routine testing for Sexually Transmitted Diseases....is a clean Q-tip lubed with something (was it K-Y?) and inserted an inch or so down into the urethra. It was more of a psychologically difficult thing for me than painful. Probably true for most men. But its easy, cheap and safe...and might be a fun starting point if you haven't already gone past this stage.

One website has been on my favorites for their unusual custom made devices. Even if I dont partake of them, I can still enjoy them in a way. And I do enjoy seeing some of the things they have come up wth. They have a few neat looking penis plugs as well as a penis plug/chastity that is very unique. Their URL is http://www.fetish.0catch.com/ I have never made a purchase with them so I cant really endorse them. But I will say that I have watched their site for several years. They are still around, still adding new products, and keeping the website up to date....so at least that says something about them.

Love to hear more,,,and hopefully some of the more experienced male subs who read here will chime in with some of their thoughts.

M. Dale
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