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From vanilla to kink How to expose a vanilla partner to kink life

#1 User is offline   MistressLydia Icon

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Posted 01 May 2009 - 05:31 AM

Hello All

So here is my first topic in a while.

I am in a vanilla relationship and my partner has not previously been exposed to kink. First, I'll share a little bit of information. Then, I'd love to know which beginner steps would you take with exposing a vanilla lover to your personal kinks.


I had begun to mention my interests in the Lifestyle relatively early in the connection. Although, he response was not welcoming. More like he he took it all very lightly and jokingly. Now, of course I have a sense of humor but...I did want him to understand I was also serious. At that point I was annoyed and let him know I didn't appreciate his humor until after he made an attempt to understand my interests.

That quieted for a short while. (oh, forgot to mention...In the heat of the moment on the second night in bed. I straddled him in the buff and slapped his face. WHAT A REACTION. Eyes burning...furious, ready to kick me out of bed. Until, I presented my ass for retribution. And...ow yum. Need I say more. Although, I found out he didn't enjoy this.)

Then I brought over my wartenburg wheel. He wouldn't stop playing with it for days. Has even picked it up, randomly, in the heat of the moment. Which, of course, makes me very happy. Hmmm...though, when I tried to guide him into using it harder on me...he wasn't interested.

We chatted about it... He loves watching my reactions. Seeing me squirm and be tickled.

He even showed a bit of an mentally sadistic side when he picked a fight with me with the desire to see my angry dominant side come out. Not that he finds it inspiring enough to submit to. Just thinks it's hot. Which, made me more frustrated until I brought the fire out in him too. Once, I got the reaction that excited me...I licked his face and we reveled in the excitement of it. All day, at work, I was a bouncing ball of feisty fun.

And recently, he's starting to smack my ass harder than he would normally feel comfortable. And on his own accord...Can we say purrrrrrr

He considers himself a dominant and assertive person. I would agree.

I would say the same about myself. But I do have to say that with him I feel open to letting go and embracing his dominance...(mischievous grin) Thankfully, he is quite happy to give in when I want things my way. Well...kink can come with time.

So, how would you expose a vanilla partner to your kink lifestyle?
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#2 User is offline   MasterDale Icon

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Posted 01 May 2009 - 10:00 AM

View PostMistressLydia, on May 1 2009, 06:31 AM, said:

So, how would you expose a vanilla partner to your kink lifestyle?


I think the answer is at your fingertips and you have already started.

People tend to be cautious...even downright afraid....of things that are new and strange to them. Making a big announcement like "Hey, today we are going start exploring the BDSM Lifestyle together, ok?" is about the surest way to shut him down as any I can think of. Yet, you introduced a toy....your Whartenburg Wheel...and he saw possiblities and enjoyed what it brought to you both. That is your way in.

If your man enjoys sensation play, do more of that. Bring in another toy. Leave the jargon and lifestyle labels out. You dont need labels or terms to enjoy a whartenburg wheel, a paddle, a crop....just a willingness to learn what to do with those toys and make them fun. I hate to say it, but when it comes to sexuality, most of us males are simple creatures. If what we do gives us wood or is the precursor to us getting off, we are going to like it. So make it enjoyable. Leave out the threatening labels. And before you know it, your man will be doing all kinds of kink with you. As in many things...slow and steady wins the race. Once he is more comfortable with what he is doing, you can add to the terms and broader ideas of BDSM. But for now, just play "toy of the month club" or some other game you make up.

When you want to give your dog medicine that you know is going to help it, you dont make a fuss about forcing the pill down it's throat. In one short lesson, that dog is never going to let you near it with a pill again. But slip that pill inside a tasty treat and make all nicey nice, and the dog usually accepts the medicine. There is no fighting, no power struggle, no problem. Everyone wins.

Damn,,,now I cant get that song from Mary Poppins out of my head. "Just a spoon full of sugar....."

M. Dale
Be careful of what you wish for....Posted Image ....you just might get it.
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#3 User is offline   Fucker Icon

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Posted 02 May 2009 - 09:27 PM

Not that I have a lot of experience in the lifestyle, but my wife didn't tell me anything about liking rough sex, wanting to submit, or anything else. We had a really deep discussion one day and it built up a lot of... anger isn't the word I am looking for but... anyway, it led to some pretty rough sex.

The next day she sat down and explained that she had been in a D/s relationship before but didn't bring it up to me because she didn't know how I would react. After talking with her and the wonderful Master Dale, we dabble in the lifestyle from time to time... There are things I don't feel comfortable doing and she understands that...

I guess I would say, explain to your SO about how it makes you feel and that you would like for this to be part of your relationship. Maybe he will be like me, vanilla most of the time but when the time comes, my wifes masochistic nature brings out the Sadist in me :)
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#4 User is offline   Michael's jewel Icon

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Posted 10 May 2009 - 10:03 AM

Hiya Lydia,

For the most part, I could have written your post a number of years ago. It is so close to my own "story".

When I started to mention s and m, he was not exactly on board with it all. His words were something to the effect of, "That's fucking SICK shit."

Now, He lights me on fire and revels in fucking with my mind and does florentine flogging and is spot on with a single tail. He has stuck me with needles and lit them on fire, on and on. Don't tell anyone, but he actually gets off on a bit now and then too. :wigglebrow: He does not identify himself as a sadist, he will tell you that he loves a masochist and does it all for me. It really does not matter, we are content and happy and have been for many years now. It was not always that way.

Then we tried to implement d/s into our relationship. That was not as easy. At that point in our relationship, we already been together for many years and had built a very unhealthy way of dealing with conflict. But implement it we did and I have to say that this alone, this directing who has the final word and who is at the helm is what ulitmately saved our floundering relationship. Constantly talking and reinspecting now and then is key.

You asked:
"So, how would you expose a vanilla partner to your kink lifestyle? "

Deep and honest communication with my partner.

Being able to first be honest with myself and then with him.

Having the ability to be ok with that which won't or doesn't work and moving on with what does work.

In other words, exactly how you are doing this with your guy. :-)

Jules
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

-Judy Garland

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